The One That Couldn't
by RemyMcKwakker
Summary: SPOILERS FOR 8x05 - BLOOD BROTHER. Everything that Sam isn't allowed to think, or feel, or express, or want, or hope for. Everything that he is, and he's throwing it all away. Extra chapter for Dean. COMPLETE. Was originally supposed to be Sam-centric, but some people took it the wrong way.
1. Sam

**EDIT: 02/11/2012 - I corrected some of the bits that said Dean didn't go looking for Sam after the S5 finale.**

**The One That Couldn't  
**~_RemyMcKwakker_

Sam watched as Dean drove away, leaving him behind to inhale the dust and smoke that rose in the car's wake. Dean was off to deal with his "personal crap", and once again Sam was left frustrated and without answers.

What "personal crap"? Why couldn't Dean be straight with him?

His heart sank lower and lower the further the Impala got out of sight, until he couldn't see its lights anymore and his heart was somewhere around his ankles. Why, just _why_?

He was sick. Sick and tired of Dean always getting up in his face and rubbing it in that Sam had taken a year off, that Sam had even been stupid enough to think he could keep his apple-pie life. He was sick of Dean's self-righteousness - "oh, I was killing baddies in Purgatory while you sat on your ass and ignored Kevin" - and his "Oh poor poor me I just got back from Purgatory" demeanor. He was sick of being told it was his fault that they couldn't get their hands on Kevin now, that it was his fault people died because he couldn't be bothered to hunt. He was sick, big fucking time.

It took him some time to realize he was still standing right there, but even then he didn't move. He couldn't. He wanted out, he wanted nothing more than to run away and never look back. It didn't work, he knew - after all, he was the expert on how shit always came back to bite you in the ass. But he wanted it all the same.

Oh, but it was all so unfair.

He supposed it was all right for _Dean_ to have a normal life while Sam wasn't around. It was okay, was it, for Dean to sit back on his ass and let people die, so long as he had his perfect life with Lisa and Ben? It was okay for Dean to take time off, but it wasn't okay for Sam? Sam wasn't allowed his normal life, but Dean was? Sam was supposed to push his emotions, his own wants and needs, to one side and hunt, but it was all right when Dean didn't, wasn't it, because Dean was the big brother and therefore, always right.

Sam scoffed, ignoring the moisture in his eyes. It just wasn't _fair._ He'd never asked for anything, he'd just kept his mouth shut and tried to do what was right, what would save everyone except for himself. He'd done nothing but give and give - what hadn't he lost? - and now that he wanted something he wasn't allowed to have it. All he'd done his entire, miserable existence was hunt, and kill, and make sure bad things didn't hurt anyone but himself. All he wanted was some peace in exchange - but no.

All he'd done was hope.

Hope, apparently, wasn't a good thing.

He knew Dean wanted a normal life too, but he'd given up hoping he could get one. Instead he'd just accepted the fact that for him was the hunter's life, and that was how he was going to live. Sam knew the same was expected of him, but he couldn't, he just _couldn't._ He couldn't continue, he couldn't kill anymore, he couldn't save anymore, he couldn't go on anymore. He didn't want to. Maybe, just maybe, he should have let himself die, and then no one would have had to deal with all this shit.

And Dean didn't even seem to care. Dean was too wrapped up in "oh poor poor me I just got back from Purgatory" to realize that Sam was hurting, was hurting more than he'd ever hurt before in his entire existence. All Sam wanted to do was find the tablet, lock Hell up and go back to Amelia. All Dean wanted to do was hunt, and in doing so deprive Sam of what he wanted.

Because Sam didn't have any other choice, did he? He couldn't live while he knew Dean was out there somewhere, and so he had to be with Dean. He had to give up what he'd always wanted, what he wished he could keep forever.

Dean wanted him to research, he remembered. There was something stuck in his throat, he realized at about the same moment that he noticed there were tears on his face. His heart seemed to be back in his chest cavity, where it was supposed to be, but it ached dully. It ached with the pain and hurt that Sam couldn't express, wasn't allowed to.

With a bitter sob to himself, Sam turned around and began walking back into the motel room. In doing so, he threw away the last hopes he had of anything closely resembling a life of any sort. He threw away everything he felt and everything he knew.

He threw away everything he was.

* * *

**I had to write this after watching 8x05. I just had to.**

**As you can see, I don't really sympathize much with Dean. Okay, he was in Purgatory, and that can't have been easy. I'm not denying that. I just think it's really unfair of him to keep calling Sam out on how he stopped hunting and didn't look for him. He's magically forgotten he'd done the same thing after Sam jumped into the cage. He settled down with Lisa and Ben, and didn't hunt. He can't really blame Sam for doing the same thing. Also, he's accepted he can't have a normal life. Sam hasn't. He tries and tries and tries but no matter what nothing ever goes his way. Jessica died, he had to kill Madison and now Dean came back and took him away from Amelia. That poor kid has done nothing but suffer ever since Season 3, and no one's ready to cut him a break.**

**I know most people in this fandom are Dean fans. I know there's many who'll go like "That bitch" after reading this. But I won't apologize. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Dean. Far from it, in fact - testament to this is the fact that I named my stuffed frog Dean - however, I do feel someone needs to speak for Sammy. Also, people ignore him and focus on Dean and how "poor Deano suffers so much" - what about Sam? He enjoys hunting so much, right? *sarcasm, sarcasm***

**'Kay, regardless of whether you hate this or like it, whether you agree with it or not - review. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks, and I'm always up for a nice, intellectual, _civilized_ debate on what I've written.  
**

**-Peace**


	2. Dean

**Whoa. It's only been a couple of hours since I put this up, and I've already got 15 reviews. Maybe I should post controversial stuff more often... (it's a joke, don't get your panties in a twist.)**

**So this chapter is mainly for Dean's POV, and also to answer to my reviews.**

**Thanks to those people that understood the point of this story, and here's my answer to those that didn't:**

**I agree that sometimes Sam has moments when he seems like a selfish, whiny dick. I agree, believe me, because sometimes I feel that way too. But there are also moments that show who he truly is as a person. Throughout the series Sam has repeatedly done selfless things for others despite realizing the consequences for himself. There are millions of such moments, but it'd take a long time to write them all down, so I'll just write down the ones most noteworthy, at least to me:**

**S1 - he volunteered to take on a demon-infested airplane alone, when Dean seemed hesitant. He also did whatever it took to make sure Dean would live, after he got electrocuted and wasn't expected to live. He'd have done it even if he knew it meant another person would die, as long as it meant Dean would live.**

**S2 - he volunteered to kill himself when he thought he was infected with the Crotoan virus, and insisted on refusing to let Dean stay with him. Didn't work, but point made.**

**S3 - he spent the entire season busting his ass trying to find a way to get Dean out of the deal, even when he knew it would result in his own death.**

**S4 - he tried to sell his soul so that Dean could be released from Hell. Everything he did in Dean's absence - training under Ruby, the demon blood - it was all so he could avenge Dean. Not the best way, I'll give you that, but it's his intention that counts.**

**S5 - he. jumped. into. Lucifer's. cage.**

**I haven't seen S6, so I can't say.**

**S7 - he forgave Dean for killing his kitsune friend. He didn't go and burn Bobby's flask behind Dean's back, which is more than what I can say for Dean, who went and killed Amy behind Sam's back. "If it's supernatural we kill it" apparently applies to people Sam cares about but not to those Dean cares about.**

**Do you people honestly think that the moment Dean disappeared Sam happily skipped off to fuck the first girl he could find? Nowhere does it say that Sam _didn't_ look for Dean. When Dean asked him he didn't reply, and so everyone assumed he sat back on his ass and did nothing. There's only been five episodes out so far, and there's a lot we don't know about what happened after Dean vanished and until Sam hit that dog. Can you honestly look at Sam's face after Crowley tells him he is well and truly alone, and say that he doesn't care about Dean? Honestly?**

**No, I disagree vehemently with those who say Sam's selfish. Also those saying he doesn't care for Dean? Bullshit. In _In My Time of Dying_ he tore into John for not helping Dean - granted, he was wrong, but like I say, the intention. He cried when Dean's heart stopped. Season 3, the whole "I have to save Dean" thing. He was ready to sell his own soul to bring Dean back. He was suicidal without Dean.**

**I know the show portrays Dean as the type who doesn't show his emotions, preferring to pretend everything's all right, but the fact is that Dean shows his emotions more than Sam does. Sam deals with it and keeps his own mouth shut so that Dean doesn't have anything extra to worry about. That's selflessness, not self_ish_ness.**

**I also think as a character Sam is less given to self-pity than Dean. Most of the time he chooses to listen to Dean express his feelings, while keeping his own hidden. Again, see the above paragraph.**

**Also, I agree Dean hasn't had a childhood since he was 4. But Sam, he's lived a hunter's life ever since he was six months old. Dean at least has some memories of a normal life and a mother. Sam doesn't even have that to hold on to. You can't really blame him for wanting normal. Also, when he went to college - that was his choice and he had a right to it, though I do disagree with how he completely ignored Dean and John. Here I'd also like to add that John didn't realize Sam's value until Sam left. Dean did, and Sam shouldn't have ignored him, but that's a whole other debate. It also sort of puts Sam and Dean on an equal basis, in that that Dean had a normal life for the first 4 years of his life, and Sam had one for 4 years too, at college.**

**AND FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T HATE DEAN. DID YOU EVEN READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE BOTTOM BEFORE STARTING A TIRADE? IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME FEEL FREE TO CHECK OUT THE REST OF MY STORIES. I just disagree with him as a character. I do that with Sam too. Also, I apologize for my canonical mistakes - I'm relatively new to Supernatural so there are a lot of episodes I haven't watched, but instead read about them on Wikipedia. Once again, I apologize, and I've corrected that.**

**FOR THOSE REVIEWERS WHO HAVE AN ACCOUNT BUT CHOSE TO HATE ON SAM ANONYMOUSLY - GROW A PAIR.**

**With that note, I end this excessively long A/N.**

* * *

Dean drove away, taking extra care not to look into the rearview mirror. He wasn't sure he'd be able to go if he saw the look on Sam's face. Dammit, those _eyes_. How could a thirty-year-old man still make a puppy dog face?

But he steeled himself. Benny needed him. Sam didn't, for now.

Maybe he didn't, at all.

Dean didn't want to believe it, but he couldn't put it aside either. Sam hadn't even looked for him. Granted he hadn't actually said it out loud, but what else could a silence like that mean? He'd just moved on so easily, gotten himself a girl and a dog and lived a perfect, apple-pie life. Even when Dean had been with Lisa and Ben there had been this tiny little voice in the back of his head that insisted on reminding him of his little brother every five minutes. Dean had looked left, right and center for a way to bring Sam back, so how could Sam have just sat back and done nothing? How could he have given up on hunting, on Kevin?

Yeah, okay, he'd done it too. But those had been different circumstances.

Dean understood the kid's wish for a normal life, he totally did. What he didn't understand was why Sam insisted on trying to have one, when he knew better than anyone what happened every time he tried. He just didn't understand that some things weren't meant to be.

Jessica died.

Madison died.

And now Amelia. Dean hoped to God he was wrong, but he had this niggling voice assuring him that if she stayed with Sam something bad would happen to her. Dean wasn't one for signs, but this was one if ever there were any. A normal life just wasn't for them. He'd accepted that, but Sam wouldn't, couldn't. He didn't want to.

Why, though? Why? Why couldn't he just suck it up and sit tight, hunt and save lives? Why couldn't he, for once, ever consider what _Dean_ wanted? Dean was ready to do anything for Sam, but for the first time in his life he doubted if Sam would do the same for him.

He didn't like this Sam. This Sam was too independent, too confident - and he didn't seem to need Dean anymore. Dean missed his Sammy, the one who relied on him for everything short of wiping his own ass, the one who was his little brother and not this self-assured, stubborn _man_. He missed the Sammy who was still a child despite his age.

He sighed, and he stared at the road ahead of him, and he hoped. He hoped for himself, for his Sammy, for Benny, for Amelia. He hoped for everything he had, and for everything he didn't. He hoped for everything that could be, everything that was, everything that couldn't be.

He hoped for everything he was, and everything that wasn't.

* * *

**Short, I know. But I'm not the type of person who'll write something she doesn't believe in, simply for the sake of reviews. This was written mainly to give you all Dean's POV, and to answer my reviewers.**

**Again, thanks to those who reviewed, regardless of whether they were positive or not. You took the time to review and give feedback, and I appreciate that. And for that person who flamed anonymously - yeah, bro, if you have an account and STILL reviewed anonymously, shame on you. Sorry, that isn't a review, that's hate. At least the others who didn't like offered reasons.**

**-Peace**


End file.
